I exited the plane at JFK airport on the 6th of November in 1986. I had entered a space transport portal in the Dominican Republic at the age of 9. Spent a couple of hours in a metal room with wings, cramped seats, yucky food, smelly bathrooms and fart-scented air. Deplaned onto absolute dreariness and chaos. Lost in the NYC din.
I got lost. Literally, I physically lost my way in Manhattan shortly thereafter. It's taken me 33 years to remember who I am. The journey has been dangerous and painful at times. Yet it's also been the adventure of a lifetime - full of surprises, fear, new experiences, challenges, successes, laughter, joy, tears, friends and family, trees, cats and dogs. From harmony to cacophony - The yellow Taxis, The Tall Skyscrapers, Downtown, The Village, Inwood Heights, The Train, Dyckman, The Crowd, The Rush, Lost in the NYC Din.
Afraid for my life, a transplanted wildling, I suddenly found myself in the midst of civilization. Fear gripped my tiny heart, fight or flight traumatized me - I CAN BE LOST FOREVER - my ego screamed as I realized for the first time in my life that I was such a small little being in a loud crowded city full of strangers speaking a foreign language I couldn't even read. I'm overwhelmed. I am lost! Lost in the NYC din.
When someone first posed me the question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The still small silent voice within me asked said: "I didn't know it was for me to choose." Because deep inside my heart, I already knew the truth. I am right here and now. I knew, in the most natural of ways, that I was already and I was only just then growing into adulthood. Cultivating my pearl of truth within, until the day, I knew I would be fully grown. Implicitly, I trusted the words I heard clearly in my heart - who knew the whole Truth and always shared it with me.
Courage is required to follow your heart faithfully. What if I where to lose my way again? And this time never be found, irretrievably lost in time forever? Patience, hope and faith are required. The way back home is long, dark and twisty and Dharma is the ancient path of truth, duty and honor. Dharma is a perfect word (1696). To be faithful and persevere in your pursuit of the truth until you dig up the treasure in the field of your heart, this is Dharma.
You will never find your dharma, your truth, out there, somewhere else far away from where you are now. Your truth is hidden deep within you. Dharma is not what you do. Dharma is not what you say. Dharma is not the clothes you wear. Dharma is not your hair. Dharma is not how good your make-up looks. Dharma is not the college you went to. Dharma is not the career you built brick by brick. Dharma is not any choice you make to improve your ego image. Dharma is your natural true being - without words, without thoughts, without feelings - Dharma is. I am. And I choose to love truth passionately with all of my heart for the sake of beauty.
The most important choice I've ever made is to love truly with all of my heart, unconditionally. To love my children radically with all of their unique quirks. To love myself compassionately and allow myself to make mistakes, without being mean to myself. To love my husband passionately and honor him lovingly as he grows with me. And after that scary choice, I chose to listen to my heart openly and follow my love, the actual feeling in my heart of love. The feeling I recognize by the warm glow like a mixture of golden sunshine and honey in my heart. Even if I felt scared out of my wits and others think I was crazy. I am TrueWild in deed.
And after this, I chose to do what I love instead of what others esteemed I was worthy, capable and smart enough to be doing. I trusted my heart's vision for my joyful life, even though my human eyes were often too blind to see my next step. And after this, I chose to speak only the truth with my throat, mouth and tongue; and nothing but the truth all of the time, 100% no lying. Always saying all of those little things aloud that make me feel so vulnerable, so seen, exposed and hurtable - exposing all of my guilt and shame for all to see, especially me. Knowing, in my heart, that it is safe, right and true for me to speak my mind and honor all others who do so also. I chose to hold the truth as my number one object of passionate love and devotion. And this has made all of the difference.
My north star guided me to trailblaze my own path. I remembered my prem dharma of TruthLoveBeauty. I now know that my INTENTION is most important of all. To set my drishti, my soft focused gaze, on what I want to have happen and taking it off of what I don't want to happen. While softly allowing in all possibility around me to just be. I am. Dharma is being. Fire burns. Water wets. Mountains peak. Rain falls. Light illumines. Truth reveals. Wood kindles. Earth grounds. Space holds. Metal conducts. Satan obstructs. The devil tempts. Bees sting. Love loves. I am.
My most focused intent is to:
First, do no harm - to my self or any other being anywhere.
Second, love the truth - passionately and above all else.
Third, do not steal - any thing from anyone ever.
Fourth, seek the divine - in every relationship.
Fifth, give freely and joyfully to all - without any expectation or obligation
These are the 5 yamas in The 8 Limbs of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, realized over 5,000 years ago by passionate yogis who loved truth above all else. Do this. And be. Just be. Soften. Stop resisting.
Om Namah Shivaya,