I must have been 3 the day the music died for me. I become acutely aware of the deafening sound of silence crashing all around me like loud thunder. When my dad moved out, he took with him his laughter, his music and my heart. Unable to consciously process this tremendous heartbreak, I retreated into the comfort and warmth of my inner heart; into the sacred stillness of deep true silence.
It took me 38 years to consciously process this truth in my reality. I've been wanting to start playing music as of late. I've done a lot of research into my Taína roots. Winter is coming and I've chosen this time around to look forward to being indoors longer with my boys. Ike is already playing the piano. Matt has a beautiful guitar he started to learn to play. So I thought why not. Let's make a joyful noise this winter.
After moving to the US and losing myself in The NYC Din, I lost my core stillness. I desperately sought silence in the cramped NYC apartments. I solemnly sought stillness in the crowded school hallways, trains and buses. I grew anxious and depressed. So much noise, so many people, so many cars. The NYC Din. In my mind this meant success - I had to get back to the silence and the stillness.
And now I did. Only to find out it is really the music I've missed. So I've iterated several ideas. From simple drums to a harmonium... And I've settled on a 7-Stringed Lyre. During this brainstorming time, Matt suggested I use his guitar, which FYI I purchased for him many winters ago. Instantly I remembered my dad had a guitar he loved to strum. My dad had a flute he loved to play. My dad loved singing, playing and listening to music at home. He also had this big, full authentically joyful belly laugh. His sweet deep voice filled the sparsely furnished apartment, rooting and grounding me in the rumple of its depth.
I got my daughter a simple, beautiful tambourine for this winter. Life is so beautiful. To come to remember. To see the truth and to know it as it truly is, not as I wish it were. And to love it and forgive it all. And to take only the beauty of it all to create a whole that's more sublime. Now we can make a joyful noise this winter, without any expectations, without any memories to avoid,
In a loving attempt to fill the empty space, my mom got me a dog to keep me company. Somehow, it just wasn't the same. So I chose my great grandaddy David's favorite instrument, to remember - to remember my past, to remember my family, to remember my culture, to remember my people, to remember my truth, to remember my nature, to remember my maker. To integrate all of my and be whole again once more.
I guess sometimes people leave. And we don't know why. But we're left with a broken heart. And it hurts so bad. And yet, our heart knows how to heal and will love again. Because that's what love does. It loves. Over and over again. Our courageous faithful loving heart loves again. Invicto. Eager to set off on the adventure of a lovetime again.
Om Namah Shivaya,
Ze
Practice + #BreatheFire
